Sometimes It Just Has To Suck.
Strange huh? You would think that being motivated to fight your eating disorder means that you should always be proactive. You would think that when your feeling like a relapse there should always be some hidden issue that you should fight back on, but no not always.
Sometimes everything just needs to suck.
Sometimes you just need to sit there and stare at that plate of food, thinking: why the hell am I eating this? And then when every fiber of your being is telling you not to do it, just take a spoon and have a bite.
Sometimes you need to stare at your constantly increasing jeans sizes, thinking: there’s an easy way to be that 00 again. And then folding your smallest pair of jeans and tucking them away safely, at the bottom of your dresser.
Sometimes you need to think about any event that might be on your mind, wondering: why didn’t everything turn out exactly the way I hoped? And then take a deep breath, accepting that its no ones fault.
Life isn’t written in stone, it isn’t possible to plan out. Sometimes the only thing left to do is sit down, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and realize that sometimes - Everything. Just. Sucks.
Was it motivation?
The more I sit down and think about it the more I have no idea HOW I lasted that long.
Every time I relapse, the thought of this going on for two years seems absurd. I don’t know how I survived, how I kept at it for that long. Now, there always seems to be an excuse. A reason why I shouldn’t.. and most of the time its something stupid. My most recent excuse was that my prom dress was getting loose and I’d have no way to get it tailored before this saturday.
This makes me wonder how I could do this before and why I can’t now. Was I more motivated? Did I hate myself more? Or is it that after being put through therapy and having my closest friends go to extreems to stop me, that subconsiously I can no longer let them down.
Starving because you think people will treat you better.
After a lot of thought, I really do think this is the core of what I was thinking all these years.
Yes, I wanted to be beautiful. I thought the only way to be beautiful was skinny, but I only got that idea after everyone around me kept on making fun of me for being after.After going shopping with my friends and trying on a bunch of clothes that are “in style” and would only look good on the ideal barbie doll girl with the perfect body.
And why did I think it was important to be beautiful? Because I wanted to be loved. I still want to be loved more than anything, and to be completely honest I have no idea how I plan to get what I want. The only thing I know is that I can’t live without it. I need love in my life, I can’t survive with out.
A love-less life is an empty life. You wake up everyday and go through the motions, without a true purpose behind everything you do. Your actions just become what they are expected to be and all of the passion seeps out of you.
If i’m forced to live like that, I don’t see the point of living at all.
Luckily, for some crazy reason, I think I still have hope.
Screw The Daily Posts
These posts haven’t been daily for a very long time, they probably won’t be daily. So I don’t see why I keep labeling them day 1, day 2, and so on.
So I was talking to a friend today, and he had just discovered that he was a good writer. Or, he claimed to have discovered it (i’m not sure if he really believed me). He told me that he doesn’t think when he writes, he just lets whatever is on his mind flow.. so instead of trying to force an idea I have in my head to come out. I’ve decided to try things his way. Talk myself to a belief.
Senior Prom pictures from other school’s are online, and mine is next week. I should be excited right? Except when I look at other people’s pictures I don’t see their faces. I don’t see the color of their dresses, or their smiles, or their hair or their make-up. All I see is their body. Every person is a catagory for me skinny or fat.
I haven’t truly starved myself in about a year now. Ofcourse I’ve had the occasional relapse that has lasted a week at most, but not the real deal. I haven’t felt that feeling of true emptiness both physically an mentally in a very very long time, and sometimes I think I am cured. Sometimes I don’t think about food or how much I’m eating. Sometimes I laugh and sometimes I smile, but sometimes I don’t. And when I don’t it’s like theres nothing left to fill the void.
I don’t think I can preach to anyone who is reading this, and I don’t think I’ve had the right to preach to all of you these past two years..
Yes, I am fighting my eating disorder.
Yes, I have been succesful for long stretches of time.
Yes, I care about all of you and I want the best for each and every one of you.
But no, I do not know any more about recovery or how to recovery than anyone else here. So the only help I can provide you is the help of a partner, not the help of an advisor.
Stay Strong. <3
Response To Anon: I love your blog! It is so inspiring, and it has helped me so much. I have one request for you though, could you consider doing video posts? I think that a lot of us would be able to hear and relate to your advice so much more if we could here it instead of read it.
Tumblr still won’t let me respond to anonymous questions, sorry.
Thank you so much! It means a lot to me that my blog matters to you. I will definately consider it.
Anonymous said: I love your blog! It is so inspiring, and it has helped me so much. I have one request for you though, could you consider doing video posts? I think that a lot of us would be able to hear and relate to your advice so much more if we could here it instead of read it.
Day 56: Triggers
I think I might have found a loophole around the fact that tumblr won’t let me post written posts.
What is our eating disorder without a trigger? Without that motivation that comes from something. It could be thinspo pictures, it could be strangers we see walking by, it could even be our own closest friends. It could be the insults we hear everyday, or a joke made by an unsuspecting individual who never meant to cause any harm. Triggers are the core of our eating disorders, and without them it becomes so much harder to stay in the same disordered mindset.
We all feel hunger, we all feel the pain that comes with skipping one meal, or five. It’s our desires that allow us to overpower that pain. Our desire to be thin, so instead of putting mind over matter. Put your body’s needs first.
The next time you feel that pain, and want to eat. Don’t pay attention to the skinny girl you see around the corner, or the fat joke that someone made two days ago. Pay attention to your hunger. I’m not asking you to eat, I’m just asking you to feel it. Feel the pain that you have been pretending doesn’t exist.
When the thing you want to do begins to cause you pain, it becomes a lot easier to stop.
Stay Strong <3
Anonymous said: I don't know what to do, everytime I decide I want to eat something I end up purging.
First, take a deep breath. If you panic it won’t make this any easier. I understand, its really easy to go back to old habits. I know I’m not perfect, and I know that I’ve purged before. It happens, but the important thing is to focus on the larger goal. Yes, if you purge your meal thats a few less calories that aren’t in your system, but think about what that can do to you ten years from now? What if shedding a few pounds causes you to shed a few years off your life?
It doesn’t make it any easier not to, but maybe if you think of it that way then eating won’t feel as bad.
<3 Stay Strong
Tech Problems. Sorry I haven’t been posting lately, but tumblr won’t let me type messeges in the post section. It will only let me have titles, does anyone know how to fix this?
Happiness is a gift, and for me the only way to be happy is to try and help as many people as possible. I mean it. I want to help you if you need it, or just be somewhere you can post your thoughts or relate to. Or even if you can't relate, I want to show you what Ana can do so you never make this choice. I'm here to help. (:I always follow back because I want to here what all of you have to say. Each and every one of you is special. users online
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